Forgiven
by Solitaryrose
Summary: A fic from Emeraude's point of view, before she dies in season 1. There are a few spoilers here and there... one big one from season 2 as well. Anyway, it's full of feeling and Emeraude's thoughts on everything that's been tossed upon her pained shoulders


Forgiven  
  
I created, Magic Knights, the woe that must be murdering your minds by now. It is created by the feelings of despair, shame, and sorrow so deeply etched upon my selfish, pathetic heart. You blame yourselves. Why? Because you were the ones who drove the blinding sword of light, faith, and innocence through my stomach? Because you killed the one who I loved the most just to save me? That was unplanned, yet I suppose that was a nonetheless crucial action to accomplish your mission. Why? You were only following the last wishes of the Pillar. There is no reason for any of you, pure, loving Magic Knights to grieve over the matter. Be happy! Smile for me, would you? Any of you?  
  
My life was a desolate one, I can now see. Before, when all of my heart and soul was bound to the duty of being the Pillar, I thought that it was something fantastic and wonderful to be. It was indeed a lovely task, providing peace, prosperity, and bliss for my people, yet... I was unhappy. I could control everything except for my own destiny and heart.   
  
I'm sorry, Magic Knights. I truly didn't mean to fall in love with him. I was not trying to fall in love with Priest Zagato. It was a sin, I know. But I was so lonely. I had not had human contact except for a bodyguard and a guru who was my childhood caretaker. I also had my brother, though. However, he was usually out in the forest with the animals and nature. Respect for everyone and everything around me overflowed from my heart. There was no reason for me to hate anything, nor anyone. There was no reason for me to sacrifice the Eden that I had created just so I could smile again. Mokona knew... he is Cephiro's creator, nevertheless. He was the one who created our dear Pillar system. The only people who questioned my very happiness were those closest to me: Zagato, his brother Lantis, and Guru Clef.   
  
Lantis was too much of a lone wolf. From the very depths of my heart I loved him, of course, but most definitely not in the sense that I felt affection for Zagato. Zagato grasped my inner pain the moment we were introduced to one another; the moment enigmatic black eyes searched for the sadness in the sapphire eyes. And once I eventually figured out that he knew my heart, I couldn't help it, Magic Knights. I loved him.  
  
Out of despair, I acted with haste. Immediately secluding myself in the Water Dungeon and allowing Cephiro to crumble, I attempted to force thoughts of Zagato out of my mind. Why didn't it work, I ask of you? Why couldn't my tortured mind bend my willful heart? I loved him so much; that must have been why...   
  
I was so selfish, so pathetic, so foolish. I chose to live for the one I loved rather than for my country. I was so much a fool. I was a cursed fool.  
  
I knew you had to kill me in the end, Magic Knights. Each of your hearts was too gentle to let me go to waste and die without having that wish of mine fulfilled. I knew that you all wished to live. So why didn't you destroy me sooner? It would have saved you the pain and trouble.  
  
"Thank you, Magic Knights... and Guru Clef... tell them I'm sorry..." I whisper these last words from my once desolate mouth. They shall reach the Guru; I am sure of that.   
  
Why do you regret your actions, Magic Knights? Why are you sorry for what you have done? Don't ask for forgiveness... you were forgiven a long time ago.  
  
Even now I can feel the light breaking apart my body. I shall not have much time, not even the strength, to make a last farewell. Strangely I do not feel pain, only as if I am ascending, ascending to the heavens of ecstasy. A burden is lifting from my shoulders that bore so much. Ah, so this is what death feels like. It feels quite beautiful. Almost like a song, beckoning me to join it. Zagato... finally, I am yours and only yours*...  
  
(*line taken from book 3, (c)by CLAMP)  
  
Author's note: It's supposed to be excruciatingly depressing and angsty, but I wonder if it turned out that way... if it's not too much trouble for any of you, could you readers tell me what you think? Feedback is always welcome, and if this fic stunk, then at least you could tell me what's wrong with it (but please, nothing like "it's crap! Make it better!"). Be a responsible reader... okay? * pleads* Anyway... here's my disclaimer: none of the characters in this fic belong to me... not one... but the fic itself does (as if anyone would want to plagiarize this nutty piece). By the way, here's an additional note: Mokona IS indeed the creator of Cephiro, for those of you who think I was making mumbo-jumbo up writing that he was. Just read the last book! I told you there were spoilers... not many, but still...  
  



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